Heartache and HopeDisclaimer: Before you start reading this entry, I’m asking you to refrain from passing judgment. My heart is already hurting, without adding more to it. Thank you.
The other night I cried myself to sleep. I was laying there with my husband sleeping next to me, the light weight of my son on my chest, and I started crying the tears of a woman whose heart is breaking. In nine days I return to work and my soul is heavy with the thought of it. Granted, Devyn and Hudson will be in the good care of my mom and sister, and I couldn’t be happier about that. But I won’t get the intimate knowledge of my children’s daily routines and it makes me sick.
I have been so fortunate to have these past 11 weeks with them. I have gotten to know my son so well; I love watching his face light up as he sees his sister, I love watching his brows wrinkle in concentration, and I love his beaming smile. I have loved Devyn through a difficult transition period, I have endured screaming tantrums, and I have cherished our many dates. Nothing has pleased me more than to hear my name being called from her two-year-old mouth, and watching as her inquisitive mind learns new things. I have loved the routine, the smiles, the laughter, and yes, even the tears. Most of all, I have loved just being here!
I won’t go into my reasons for having to work now; suffice it to say, we cannot live on one salary alone. However, there is hope for this mother and I ask for you to join me in prayer. I’m returning to work full-time until we close on the house, probably some time in August. Once we’ve closed, I’ll be approaching my boss about working part-time. I don’t know if they’ll work with me on this request but I pray that after working for them for eight years that they’ll do their best. If something can’t be worked out, then I get to start looking for a new part-time job. Regardless of how it’ll work out, I’m confident that God will honor my desire to be home more with our babies. In prayer, I have asked God to go before me and start preparing the perfect job opportunity for me and my family. Please join me in that prayer.
In the mean time, I need strength because my heart is not in the workforce. My heart is here, at home with the two beautiful children I’ve been blessed with.