Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Heartache and Hope

Disclaimer: Before you start reading this entry, I’m asking you to refrain from passing judgment. My heart is already hurting, without adding more to it. Thank you.

The other night I cried myself to sleep. I was laying there with my husband sleeping next to me, the light weight of my son on my chest, and I started crying the tears of a woman whose heart is breaking. In nine days I return to work and my soul is heavy with the thought of it. Granted, Devyn and Hudson will be in the good care of my mom and sister, and I couldn’t be happier about that. But I won’t get the intimate knowledge of my children’s daily routines and it makes me sick.

I have been so fortunate to have these past 11 weeks with them. I have gotten to know my son so well; I love watching his face light up as he sees his sister, I love watching his brows wrinkle in concentration, and I love his beaming smile. I have loved Devyn through a difficult transition period, I have endured screaming tantrums, and I have cherished our many dates. Nothing has pleased me more than to hear my name being called from her two-year-old mouth, and watching as her inquisitive mind learns new things. I have loved the routine, the smiles, the laughter, and yes, even the tears. Most of all, I have loved just being here!

I won’t go into my reasons for having to work now; suffice it to say, we cannot live on one salary alone. However, there is hope for this mother and I ask for you to join me in prayer. I’m returning to work full-time until we close on the house, probably some time in August. Once we’ve closed, I’ll be approaching my boss about working part-time. I don’t know if they’ll work with me on this request but I pray that after working for them for eight years that they’ll do their best. If something can’t be worked out, then I get to start looking for a new part-time job. Regardless of how it’ll work out, I’m confident that God will honor my desire to be home more with our babies. In prayer, I have asked God to go before me and start preparing the perfect job opportunity for me and my family. Please join me in that prayer.

In the mean time, I need strength because my heart is not in the workforce. My heart is here, at home with the two beautiful children I’ve been blessed with.

19 comments:

Joel and Jaime said...

I totally understand what your heart must be going through right now! I will be praying for that perfect job opportunity to happen for you! In the mean time, may you have God's strength as you return to work! You are so blessed to be able to leave the kids with your family. At least you can rest assured knowing that they're being taken great care of :)

dareth said...

Praying for you Jenn.
Love you guys!

Stacey said...

Oh I have been there!! I know just how to pray for you!!
When Timmy was 5 months old I went to work full time and did so for 9 months (I was a teacher and I only stuck it out for one school year).
Anyways, I just KNOW the anguish of your heart and I will offer up some of my current pain for your desires!!

Wendy said...

I will be praying for you too, Jen.

I love that whether you are working or at home, your heart is at home.

proud parents said...

I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time. You will definitely be in my prayers. I can't imagine what you are going through. I hope your boss will work with you or you will find the perfect part-time job. At least you have family taking care of your little ones. Many people are not that lucky. I hope your transition back to work will go smoothly. Take care!

Sarah said...

You know I'll be praying for you Jenn! I can't emagine how you must feel, being away from my babes for just a day does a number on me, so I can emagine you will simply be aching. Let me know what I can do to make this any easier on you. I love you!
Always, Sarah

Dee said...

I normally am a lurker (found you through Amanda - Something Beautiful) but my heart aches for you in this post! I will be praying!!!! I know where you are - been there before and God is good and DOES hear the desires of our hearts AND knows what is best for His children... you are not forgotten! He is GREAT and though His time is not our time and His ways not ours... your provisions will be made!! :) Keep the faith!

Susie said...

Praying with and for you, dear one. *hugs*

Joy said...

Ah I totally understand. Isn't it funny how some days you wish to be anywhere but home with the kids, yet when you step away and get perspective, you can think of no better place to be.

I'm facing a challenge right now with deciding what sort of help I should use when baby #4 comes. We are looking at putting at least the two older ones in part-time day care each day. I am so torn about it. I know I need the break to help me pass over the hurdle of postpartum, yet I don't like to let them go. At least I know it's temporary, just as you do. I'll be praying for you!

Paula said...

My prayers are with you Jenn. God is hearing as I write this.
I do believe sometimes we have to sacrifice and work as moms. However, God hears the desires of your heart and I believe He will honor them. These desires don't come from selfishness but from love and the desire to raise the children the Lord blessed you with.
I am glad your children are staying with family while you have to work. That is a blessing out of this.
PS~NO judgement here. There shouldn't be from anyone anyways!!

erin said...

I am reading this holding my own baby son. You have my prayers - be certain of that. Your post absolutely broke my heart! I would never judge you, sweet girl! Oh, my heart hurts for you. I will be praying strength for you as well as God preparing your way. I am excited to hear what transpires!

The Artist said...

Pryig for you my friend. Big hugs.

Jennisa said...

I understand how heavy your heart is. No one...NO ONE can love them like WE can, whether it be family, or a sitter. I know how your heart feels, and I only pray that the closing of your house comes fast with no roadblocks so you can begin to be home more with your children...

Jenn said...

I am fortuante to live somewhere where the goverment gives a year maternity leave. Even still leaving Lucas after a year was hard. Hopefully you can go part time after the summer, which in my opionion is the best of both worlds. Keep in mind that it's not always about quantity of time but quality of time and those kids will always know how much their mom loves them.

Good luck to you in this hard time.

Jenn

Amy said...

Jenn,

I'm praying that the time you spend at work will go quickly and that your time at home will slow down and be more special than ever! Thank you for sharing your heart... youu have a good one:)

Christine said...

I can imagine the heartache you're feeling. I work also out of necessity, although part time, and know that even though the hands taking care of your children will be ones you trust completely as I do my mom's and sister's, it doesn't change the simple fact that they are not yours for part of the day. I will pray for a wonderful outcome when you speak with your boss.

Elise said...

Oh Jenn - I am praying! And I echo Amy - may the time you spend at home be full and sweet. (((hugs)))

Anonymous said...

I felt that way after my son was born. I fought tears on the way to work most days. God is so amazing. When my son was 2 1/2 and my daughter was 6 months old I was home full time. I never thought it would be possible. Only through his power. I pray that God will give you and your husband clear guidance.

Rachelle said...

I just found your blog through Christine. I just wanted to say that most moms know your anguish if they go back to work... even if they love their jobs and really want to work. God has made us so that our hearts are inclined toward our children, no matter where we are, or what we're doing. You're obviously a loving, caring attentive mom who puts her family first. God will honor that!

I have found comfort in the fact that throughout history, including Biblical times, women have always had to work. Even the Proverbs 31 woman whom we all revere so much was admired for being more than a mom--she was a business-woman in her own right. "She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard... She sees that her trading is profitable." It doesn't take away the pain of leaving our children in others' care, but maybe it can relieve your heart of any unnecessary burden of guilt. You are doing what you are called to in this season of life! God bless...

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