Tuesday, February 5, 2013

In My Head

This is going to be a whole slew of randomness.  My apologies in advance.

  • It was a banner weekend.  For every positive, there was a negative.  Positive.  Thanks to my sister, Alli, for taking the older three for a sleepover and to Courtney for taking Ashlynn, Jon and I got to go to a movie for the first time in months.  Negative.  The next morning, I left Ashlynn alone for minutes (mere minutes) and she managed to pour coffee all over my laptop.  She shorted the keyboard.  And now I’m waiting for parts to arrive.  Positive.  We watched the Super Bowl with my parents, Courtney and Jeremy, our friend, Drew, and my uncle and his kids.  It was a really fun afternoon.  Negative.  It was about this time that I realized my purse was missing and haven’t seen it since Saturday.  I called every place we visited over the weekend and no one has seen it, nor turned it in.  So guess who get to do the exhausting job of replacing everything in her purse?  This girl. 

    I’ll leave you with this positive though.  We didn’t lose our debit card (yay!) and we haven’t seen any unauthorized charges on our checking account.

  • I’m currently doing two Beth Moore bible studies.  Two.  I can barely keep up the homework on one study, let alone two of them.  The first is David and I’m excited to learn more about the man who was called “a man after God’s own heart”.  This promises to be a great study and I’m doing it with my regular study of women including friends, my mom, and sisters.

    The second is Daniel.  I’ve already done this study once before, but I’m thrilled to be doing it again.  This one is with a group of women from our (newish) church.  Let me tell you though.  Its incredibly nerve-racking to walk into a group of women that you don’t know.  As in, I knew ONE woman of the eight that were there.  Inhale.  Exhale.  But the first session went well, I’m excited to get to know more women from our church.  This is going to be good for me.

  • I’m living in a state of denial right now.  Last night was Devyn’s first volleyball game.  And take a look at these pictures.  Let’s talk about Devyn first. 

    1c44e22e6f5e11e2ad5622000a1f98e5_7Can someone tell me when she morphed into a tween-looking child?!  Seriously.  I’m just floored at how old she’s looking lately.  66e7bb186f5d11e282fd22000a9d0df2_7And it’s a heartache kind of wonderment.  As in, my heart literally hurts as I watch her grow into such an amazing girl.

    Then we have the cheering squad on the right.  These three really are trouble.  Jon and I often joke that the sassy level rises with each new child.  So Reagan is sassier than Hudson, but Ashlynn is sassier than Rea.  I’m not sure how that’s possible.  Ha!  But three kids in four years.  They are such a hoot and as hard as this parenting gig is, I’m truly loving it.

  • Grandma Nancy.  I haven’t written much about her lately. I suppose the healing process is doing its job, in that life goes on and I find myself focusing on it less and less.  But when I do stop to think of her, or something reminds me of her, the pain builds in intensity.  No longer is the pain as sharp as it once was, but its now a dull and heavy ache.  I just miss her… her wit, her humor, her laugh.  I miss her being at bible study.  I just miss her.

    When Grandma Rose was here for Dad’s surgery, she wanted to reminisce about Grandma Nancy.  I’ve never met two mothers-in-law that enjoyed each other more.  They were hysterical together, and if I ever wonder where my Littles get their sass and strong-wills, I need not look any further than these two ladies.  Watching them together was inspiring. And fun!

    But as I listened to Grandma Rose talk about memories, it was just too much.  Thankfully we were in a dark car and she couldn’t see my tears, or the lump that I kept trying to swallow.  I let her talk and talk, and didn’t stop her.  But it was too soon.  I’m not ready to reminisce and laugh over memories yet.

  • The painting is… well… I currently have five different colors on my wall.  But do you know how hard it is to paint with Little underfoot.  When I first painted eons ago, I only had the two to worry about and I could paint during naptimes.  But now, I have four little ones and they aren’t quite as obedient this time around.  Soooooo, I figure I should get this house painted some time in the next three to four years. 

  • I often wonder if I’m presenting my true self to the internets.  You know… the woman who loses her patience and yells at her kids… the woman who can be insecure and feels incapable… the woman who worries and frets instead of handing it to God… the woman who gets righteous and judgmental, until I’m handed a mirror…  the woman who feels like she’s failing… the woman who house is constantly cluttered, no matter how many times I clean, who lets dishes sit on the counter for longer than a day… 

    Listen, internet, and please hear me on this.  Yes, I post endearing and lovely pictures of my family.  Yes, I post glowing statuses about my husband and marriage.  But what you don’t see is the daily grind.  The constant whining and tantrum throwing.  The daily nagging.  The day-to-day annoyances, my ugly attitudes and selfishness.  Its there, trust me.  Or ask Jon, he can tell you. 

    BUT… I choose to celebrate the good.  And in the grand scheme of it all, my life is GOOD.  And because I’m aware of it, that is what I choose to celebrate.  The good.  There are times you’ll see my snark, or the days where I’ve had more than enough.  But life is good and I’m thankful for it.  Please don’t mistake my thankfulness for pride or perfectionism.  Just one unworthy girl grateful for all she’s been given.

So there you have it, what its currently like to live in my head at the moment.  There’s so much more, but I figure you can only handle this.  But I must leave with you my favorite quote from The Hobbit.  Of course it includes the word Courage.  Because I’m hearing about courage every which way I turn right now.

I found it is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay. Small acts of kindness and love. Why Bilbo Baggins? Perhaps because I am afraid, and he gives me courage.

4 comments:

emenchho said...

Great post Jenn! It's always refreshing to know others are facing the same daily struggles. :)

Meghan said...

I love this post, Jenn. I, too, try to celebrate the good and remain positive on my blog, but sometimes I wonder if I should just lay it all out there:) Your kiddos are dolls, btw!

Christine said...

I'm also blown away by how old Devyn is getting and looking lately. I can't wait to make it to one of her games!
I'm with you, Grandma Rose made me choke up a few times as she talked about Grandma Nancy. I love that they had a great relationship and she could reminisce too, but it made missing Grandma Nancy really raw.
I think you are pretty honest and tansparent about life-the good, the bad and the daily grind. It's always hard to know how much to share and I think most people put their best foot forward on the internet.
Love you!

Lexie Loo, Lily Boo, and Dylan Too! said...

Every time I read your posts, I think we have a lot in common. I always try to look on the bright side of everything, too. It doesn't help to focus on the negative at all!
That being said, I'm really sorry your lost your purse. I would be bummed about that!
My 8 year old is looking so grown up these days. It shocks me. Time really does fly!

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