…you need to know where to draw the line.
We just spent an amazing weekend away. Last year when Grandma died, some of our best friends moved out of state. It was a lot of loss at once. This was the first time we were able to get away for a long weekend and it couldn’t have come at a better time. Coupled with Jon working tons of overtime, and six weeks of processing a life-changing event, it was great to get away and get some clarity.
Last month I wrote a post alluding to the said event. I left it up for a few days, but eventually I moved it to my private blog. (Why yes, I do have a private blog. No one has access to it, not even Jon. A girl’s got to have a space to call her own, am I right?) I can honestly tell you that I have been doing some major wrestling these past 6-7 weeks. And this weekend, with my own personal counselor available 24-7 for three days in a row (thank you, Mandy!!), I can finally tell you that I’m coming to a place of peace about the whole situation.
I am finally able to say a few things with certainty.
- Boundaries are a good thing.
- These boundaries have been a long time coming.
- Even someone as open and honest as I, can draw the line somewhere.
I don’t know why “boundaries” always seemed like a dirty word for me. Or why they’ve been so hard for me to draw. But its time and this is going to be really good for me and for my family. We’re drawing a tight circle around our family of six and focusing on ourselves. I’m still having a hard time writing out that sentence, mostly because it just sounds selfish. But we’ve come to a point in our lives where its time to take a step back from circumstances and not worry about the rest.
Part of this weekend really let me come to terms with some things. When this series of events began last month, I can’t begin to explain how it paralyzed me. My self-esteem took quite the kicking. My family didn’t recognize me, I didn’t recognize myself. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of doubt and hurt. I questioned my feelings, emotions, and actions. I sought the counseling of two good friends, who helped me through those moments. They gave me honest, clear, and Godly advice when I couldn’t see past the hurt. Yes, sometimes the advice is not what I wanted to hear, or do. But that’s when you know you have good friends. They don’t always say the things I want to hear, but the things I need to hear.
And again, this weekend has really helped to bring a lot full circle. And I can feel some of my backbone getting stronger, some of my self-confidence is returning, and I feel I can finally say with some certainty that what happened last month has more to do with them, than it does with me. As much as I want others to like me and believe the best about me, I can’t control others opinions. Just like I can’t control the filter that is used when they watch my actions and question my motives. And I can accept that. The only thing I can do is check my heart and motives with God. He is the only one that I should allow to bring true conviction to my life, not the false guilt that Satan likes to use to confuse me.
Sigh. Yes, that feels good. And right. And I’m ready to move forward now. It feels great to be back…